Do You Want a Fear to Control You?

It’s Sunday, a beautiful day in Seattle. It’s getting close to noon and I haven’t accomplished anything visible like writing this blog. I’ve been up since 6:30am this morning and still this. I wrote something close to ending but then it stopped. So, I’m starting all over again with a different topic. It’s sort of my life; I can never expect what will show up. Either my healing practice related or my own learning, I just have to deal with it one at a time. One foot forward, that’s all I can do! I was going to go lighter on the topic, but I guess I have to go with the everyone’s favorite, “Fear.”

For the last few weeks, I’ve been dealing with the strange energy. My work is spiritual work, but any work we do, nothing is totally independent of one another. It’s all related to our life’s journey and learning, evolution as a soul. Every time I’m making a leap to the next phase in my journey, it’s normally quite ugly. The strange things start to hit my life. It could be my healing practice or it could be simply my personal life. All of the sudden, things hit and start to affect me seriously and then I lose my peace and certainty. Maybe that’s how it is when we make a leap and transition to the different phase. As if we transform to the completely new form and nothing we know up till now can accommodate the leap, we are thrown to this strange chaos of uncertainty.

Last few weeks, I started to experience some strong fear. I know it’s related to my healing practice, but it was disabling me every time it hits me. Normally it hits during the sleep, so I wake up or sleep in this thick, heavy, dark energy. Then, I feel the fear. I wonder what this energy is, why this comes around of me, when this ends, etc. Some energy visiting my space is pretty typical and I’m used to it by now. Though, this one has a very different tone to it. There were times I experienced like this. In times like this, I wonder if I can continue doing the healing work any more.

The thing is… Either I do healing work or not, this sort of experience is always there. Either I notice or not, understanding it or not, it’s always there. The difference is, before, I didn’t know what was going on and I gave up my seniority over it, but now I know what to do even though it’s not always easy to deal with.

I bumped into someone who was a black hole. No matter how I do, what I do, everything is sucked into the black hole. I probably knew something was odd from the get go. Though, I tend to be forever optimist and I’m that way in terms of my spiritual practice. I probably suffered from it in my past lives, but I’m still that way. When I realized that I dipped my both legs in the black mud with no bottom, it was too late. Every time the energy invades my space, it affected how I think. I started to wonder if I want to deal with this kind of matter any more. The fear started to show up.

I don’t know how many times in the last few weeks this strange energy was visiting my space, but by the time I dealt with it this weekend, I was on the edge. I wanted this to let me go. I asked many times for help. I asked why this is coming to me and what do I need to learn from it. Every time the fear started to surface upon this dark energy attack, I felt like a dead end. I wanted to curl up in bed till something magically take this away from my space.

What I did in these times were this: I’ve been persistent with what is right for me and what works for me. So, I meditated and cleared my aura, chakra and my room including all the technology devices I use. Then, I noticed that it wasn’t me who is feeling this misery but it was this energy in my space. Every time I removed the energy by clearing my space, I felt normal. Do I want to give in to whatever this energy is? Do I want to give up my senority over this energy? Do I want to live small by avoiding or feeling like I’ve done something wrong? The answer is a “No.” No matter how screwed up I could be, how big mistakes I might have made in the past, I do not want to live my life like a prisoner in the prison of fear from whatever it might be. I want a freedom. I want to expand.

Then, even though the energy probably still visits me and affecting my chakras, it doesn’t overwhelm the core principle of who I am any more. The fear doesn’t show up any more; rather, it is a clear sense of direction. What was my learning from this? Why does this show up now?

Sometimes fears show up in our space because others who are in your space have fears about you. That doesn’t make you a bad person. Why should anyone feel the fear about anyone? In my case, it was a doubt and fear from this particular person’s energy visiting my space. Then, it feels like my fear and doubts. So, your fears might not be yours. That’s one. The second is if the fear energy is visiting you which means that there probably is similar energy sleeping in your space. Then, get rid of it so that similar energy won’t stick. The most importantly, it doesn’t matter if the fear originated from you or other’s energy, when you feel the fear, it freezes you. Then, you have to make a choice. Do you want to live your life being frozen by fear or do you want to live your life truly free. That part is up to you.

Hope all the darkness vanishes with light and love. -Naomi